When we have to choose between love and career, what's the best answer?
This has been my dilemma for the past few months now. I honestly thought that when I get to this point, the answer would be an easy one. But I was wrong. I still don't have an answer to this.
And I literally have to give my decision to my boss at the end of this month, if I wanted to stay in Brazil for another year or not.
I'm really trying to weigh in my reasoning: if I'm just trying to make excuses, or if I'm just not ready to settle down, or if I don't want to move to Europe.
Today, Frenchie and I spent the whole day talking about ALL the possibilities of our future, specifically my move to France sometime soon. It was a tough one for the both of us. I mainly have to blame our passport differences, of course, my third-world-passport is going to make it even more complicated for us.
I wish things are really easier said than done, but we're two individuals that continue to support each other's dreams no matter what. Aside from visa slash passport problem is our main concern, it's somehow deeper for me...
The thing is, I don't think I would really be happy living in France. That's from own point of view.
Don't get me wrong. I have dreamed of living in Europe as far as I can remember. When most people from my country dreamed of the American dream, I didn't join that bandwagon. Europe became my favorite continent because of their culture and history. That's why I dated mostly European men in my 20s because I wanted to settle down in Europe eventually. Wink. Wink.
Then things (kind of) changed when I finally got myself into France. I saw, tasted, breathe, and experienced Europe for the very first time, and I was kind of disappointed. (I'm still actually having a hard time writing my France travel experience simply because I can't get around of what to write.)
To say the least--- I wasn't smitten, unlike most people. And that's what I'm so afraid of. Will I end up loving living in France or not?!
Coming from Asia and having lived in South America, I was so used to a culture so welcoming, so open, so warm, so happy, so relaxing, so carefree, so engaging, so friendly, so generous, so family-centered, and so spiritual.
And somehow, I feel that I will never get that in Europe. Am I wrong? Am I just overly thinking? Or am I a prejudice?
I, of course had a GREAT time when I was there. But it's really different when you're just visiting or being touristy. It'll be a completely different ball game once you start living a life there.
I'm afraid that it'll be like living in the US once again. I was borderline depressed when I lived there. I felt like I don't belong in the sense of their community. But to be fair, I really never wanted to live in the US on the first place, so that made me miserable from the very start.
This time around the problem is, Frenchie would be assigned in the outskirt of Paris, far from his family and friends. I would have to deal with finding a job which will take sometime, learning French which I really HAVE to, and hopefully be able to make new friends which I pray wouldn't be too hard. I know I've done this many times before, when I chose a nomadic life. But I've never really done a HUGE move for a guy. My nomadic choices were primarily my own decisions, so to speak.
Honestly, adjusting and adapting to a new city or environment
was never a problem to me.
Somehow though, France is giving me a different vibe that I can't seem to fathom. I don't know what it is. And I hope I'm wrong with all of my assumptions. I hope I will have the best time of my life in France just like how Julia Child has made hers.
Maybe I will make her my spirit animal on this difficult decision making in my life. She seems to have been on the same shoes as I'll be.
But then again, how do I get to walk away from a career I love (maybe for a year) and also be with the man I love?
Because when I walked away from teaching for a year and a half when I left China for good, I didn't feel like I was doing something noteworthy for myself, although I was traveling and discovering the world. I realized then, that as an individual, we need to be doing something that is giving us a purpose and that we are really making an impact.
For me, teaching is what I live for, every waking day of my life! Just to make it clear, it would mean that when I move to France, I have to wait for everything to be legal (on my end) in order to apply for a job, and hopefully, it wouldn't be too difficult to find a Preschool English teaching job. And the way we look at it, it'll be at least a year to wait.