Moving Forward!

 

HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAK UP?


That's the MILLION DOLLAR question, really. Right???

If only there's a secret potion for this, then we will all have a better life.

It is difficult, I know, been there done that, even countless of times! It's most likely the most devastating feeling one will ever have in his/her lifetime. It's literally ripping off your heart into this very unusual pain.

It's the kind of pain that you want to run away from. If only, you can auto off all the memories in your mind. If only, you can erase every small and big details about him. Then maybe, just maybe, you don't have to go through crying yourself to sleep at night.

But as a former active member of the Broken-Hearted Club, I have only this advise, the best way to move forward is really acknowledging the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, and the agony that comes with it. Because as cliché as it may sound, this will only make you stronger and better as a person. Touche!


They say there are 5 stages (DenialAnger, BargainingDepression and Acceptance), even 7 (Shock, Denial, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) to be able to move on from a break up.


Me?! I have a LIST...as in a looooong list..... ;)

There is no exact time when to get over someone. Especially if you're the one left behind. Geez, my longest was four years!!! So you just really have to understand that they really mean it, it takes time. And time will heal all wounds. And the best analogy of this?! Just look at the wounds in our body, the only time we don't feel the pain anymore is when it was totally healed. And it took days, sometimes even months to heal. So give yourself the time. Take as much time as you could on this healing process. 

Cry and cry and cry and cry if you must. I used to wake up to a wet pillow in the morning. There's nothing wrong with crying and just being alone. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Recognize that pain. Wallow as long as you want, as long as you can, as many times as you can! Yes, cry it out tonight, cry it out in the early hours in the morning if you must!

When you're done crying, get a pen and a paper. Write all of your anger, your frustrations, your what if's, your what not's, your what could have I done to make it different, your hatred towards that person who broke you and even about yourself. Because trust me, when you have no one who will listen to your bitterness, having to write it all down, will somehow lighten the heavy burden of your broken heart!

Call a friend and talk to that person. It may be your sister, your mother, your closest girlfriend. Just tell her that they need to listen and understand that you really feel awful...and somehow suicidal because a stupid(!) boy broke your heart. Tell them you don't need their advise, you just want someone to be your sponge. No comments and judgement needed. :)

Find comfort in songs. And take some of that message to really help you. That is if you still want to cry at night. Or if you're good as Adele you can channel that sad feeling into composing a song...or a poem. Who knows you'll be the next youtube sensation, eh?

 
Here are my go-to-break-up-songs...

I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts

I'm moving on...
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me.
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone.


Letting Go by Sozzi


I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free


Art of Letting Go by Mikaila
 

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye
But each time it catches in my throat

 

Get up and do something about moving forward!


These are very basics but trust me, as normal as they seem they are...these things were VERY helpful to me...

  • Get a new haircut. Or buy new dresses. Or put on some new stilettos. Just effin' do something that when you look at yourself in the mirror, you're more than beautiful! And TELL YOURSELF, "I am beautiful."
  • Buy a bucket of ice cream or one box of chocolate and eat it while watching, The Little Rascals. Find a time to be happy. Find a time to comfort yourself with laughter. I repeat, do something to be HAPPY. 
  • But what is it that you really like doing that makes you happy?! I found comfort in the kitchen, so I cooked a lot. If you like photography, go and take some pictures and write something about that picture on your Instagram. Or paint or sew or plant or bike or whatever...basta, do something productive of your time! Period.
  • Re-arrange your closet, your room, or your whole house. Sometimes a new scenery of your surrounding helps a lot.
  • Go out with your friends and go to the beach or a hike in the hill, not in club. I repeat, not in a bar club! Quality time is the key.
  • Just really be proactive with your life. Do a new project or a new adventure. I did bunjee jumping, I did scuba diving, and I went travelling. And trust me, I was liberated and it completely changed me.

Let's jot down the circumstances...


  • If he dumped you for someone else...and was cheating with you the whole time. HE'S AN ASSHOLE. IF YOU FORGIVE HIM, YOU'RE A MORON. YES, NOT JUST STUPID...A MORON!
  • If he dumped you for someone else...because the other girl is better than you. YES, IT HURTS. SCREW HIM! BUT YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS BE SPECIAL TO SOMEONE ELSE, WHO TRULY DESERVES YOU.
  • If he dumped you because he doesn't love you anymore. THANK HIM, HE'S SAVING YOU BOTH FROM WASTING YOUR TIME.
  • If he dumped you because you're not giving him what he wants because you're not readyIT'S HIS LOSS, NOT YOURS. HE'S A DOUCHE-BAG. AND KUDOS TO YOU FOR NOT GIVING INTO WHAT HE WANTS.

Please, please, please for the love of God...remember these things..

 

How did you survive a break up?

Love Yourself--- First!

 

Before you really love someone deeply, love yourself.


I have to admit that I had a hard time figuring out myself for the longest time--- of who I wanted to be, or being REAL as I could possibly be! 

Growing up, I thought that my only purpose in this world is to simply live by the rules to the norm of my conservative society. That my life has to be in these exact orders:

  1. finish school
  2. get a job
  3. find a man
  4. start a family with him
  5. raise my children
  6. provide for them till they finish school (and make them do the same exact pattern as well)
  7. and wait for my dying days, thinking what I could have made different or what I did wrong along the process.

What I didn't know is that, the universe has actually provided limitless possibilities to help me achieve the tiny voice in my head--- otherwise known as, DREAM.

My dream (or wish) was to run away, as far away as I can from home. (I have a very deep reason why, that maybe one day, I'd be comfortable of sharing.)

Coming from my humble beginnings, in a small town from central Philippines-- I am now thousands and thousands miles away from home, living the utmost adventure of my life, and fulfilling my OWN dreams!

I'm not telling you to be like me. This is about helping you to figure out, that you should not waste your life--- trying to live up to other's expectations of you, trying to fulfill other people's dream from your own dreams, trying to please everybody for acceptance, and trying so hard just to get a man in order to be saved and be loved.

So let's talk about how to live and love your own life, shall we?!


1. KNOW YOURSELF

Get a piece of paper. Write down all of your natural talents and gifts. Write down your strengths and your weaknesses. Be completely honest. Ask your closest friend or the people around you--- what do they love/like about you? At the same time, what they don't like about you? LISTEN. Don't be offended. You will grow maturely if you open your mind to their opinions about you. 

Because in knowing yourself, you will know your capabilities and how far can you take any challenges in your life.


2. FIND YOUR PASSION

What is the very thing that makes you feel happy? At your best? The very thing that you always look forward to do. And where you can express yourself creatively?? What are you most excited about when you wake up in the morning?

Mine are two things: writing on my blog (and journal) and teaching children. Both have given me an avenue to be my whole self, to be creative, and at the end of the day--- HAPPY! 

And aside from that, I'm also happiest when I find meaningful activities to do: reading a book, cooking any dish, going out for long walks, exploring a new place, talking to a friend who inspires me, and finding a spot where I can be at peace--- a beach or a stationary store.


3. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH GIRLS, LADIES, AND WOMEN WHO INSPIRE YOU

I remember what my Nanay used to quote us, "Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are." 

It's true, you become the person who you spend most time with. Because you imitate them-- subconsciously. That's why surround yourself with people that truly inspires you and who will encourage and support possibilities. The people who will give you wisdom and ideas.

In short, find friends who will bring out the best in you.

I'm lucky enough to have met and came across inspiring women, who are very empowering in their chosen careers, with their families, and with what they advocate in life. My huge influence comes from the women in my family, who are all individually strong, go-getters, career oriented, and have good spiritual foundations. I also continuously look up to women who are making a difference in their own lives and fields-- that transcends to many, the likes of Elizabeth Gilbert, Daphne Paez, JK Rowling, Trisha Velarmino, Ina Garten, and Bianca Elizalde to name a few.


4. LEARN SELF RESPECT, MORE THAN ANYTHING

Respect should come from you first. Be cautious of your words and of your actions. Because your words and actions will speak volumes about your character. Express yourself without hurting someone else's feelings. Learn to dress appropriately, in any occasions. Be sensitive. Don't dress provocatively just because you need the attention. Men will only see you as an object-- not a person, when you do that.

Know when to walk away from people who abuse you with their words, abuse you of your kindness, and the most important thing: when they are emotionally and physically hurting you.


5. LOVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL BODY, INCLUDING ITS FLAWS

Whatever your size, shape, or skin color--- tell yourself that you are beautiful. 

YOU ARE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL!

Never ever take your body as a reason of your insecurity. Do not believe social media's definition of beauty. Their definition is called, consumerism. BUT, make sure that you are in your healthy state. 

Obesity and being very skinny are not flaws, it's called a sickness.

Your body is your very own soul, too. So treat it sacredly. Or to put it better, treat it as your most treasured possession in your life. Get to know every detail and corners of it, so that you can really take very good care of it. And when you do--- you will realize that you'll never allow anyone near you, who will not treat your body with utmost love, care, and respect as you do.


6. NEVER, EVER PLEASE A MAN WITH SEX

At the same way, never, ever allow a man to have sex with you--- when you strongly don't like to. This is why self-respect is really important. This is why you need to treat your body with love and respect.

Always listen to your gut feelings. Even with your fears.

When you are not ready--- YOU ARE NOT READY. 

When you are scared, then don't do it.

Always remember that your body is yours--- not his! Don't you dare forget that!!!

If he insists, THAT IS TOTALLY AGAINST THE LAW, WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE WORLD! It's called sexual assault, sexual abuse, or rape! So be very cautious and mindful.

Sex is very beautiful when shared with genuine love and respect. 

That is why it was beautifully named as, making love.


7. FULFILL YOUR OWN DREAM

Not their dreams. Not even your parents' dream. Not your family's dream.

I understand and I admired people who said that they always think best for their families--- by doing what they are expected of them. But there's a fine line between having them as an inspiration and being controlled by their (selfish) ambitions. Because at the end of the day, it is your own feelings that mattered. Your own fulfillment mattered. Your own hard works mattered.

Don't call me ungrateful nor hypocrite, because the way I see it, if all of us will start realizing what we really wanted to do in life and being able to do it, then our success will equal to our HAPPINESS, and that happiness will be visible in our day to day interactions, it will then transpire to everyone around us, including our loved ones. However, I understand that this is somewhat a vague statement or analogy for most of you to understand that needed further explanations from my part.

But I mean, would you agree with me that the happiest people you know are the ones who are really doing the work that they always wanted to do and dream of doing their whole lives?! Again, your OWN passion in life. On my experience, these kinds of people I know have not only been doing the very thing they love to do in life, but they also just aspire the simple things in life.


8. MAKE IT HAPPEN

You can make it happen. You know, deep, deep down inside you--- that you can make it happen. Make it happen even if no one believes in you. Make it happen because you can! And you will always find a way to make it happen-- no matter what

Every challenge in our life's journey is giving us answers and solutions, so why not use that as a driving force every waking hour of your life?!

I do.

When I left China, for good in 2014, to travel and move to South America--- specifically in Brazil, I know I'm in for another challenge in my life. Initially, I didn't have enough money to have this very bold move, that even lead to misunderstandings, complicated issues, and conflicts within some of my family members (who were not even in the position to question my own decisions). But because I'm a hard-headed, adventure seeker, I-don't-care-what-you-say-this-is-my-life-anyway, and very ambitious girl, I ended up staying in the US for awhile-- to pause, but never, once, did I gave up on my dream that I'm moving to Brazil. Of course, I am eternally grateful to the people who have helped me, who adopted me, and who have supported me in making that dream of mine to come true.

But if there's really one thing that I learned and I know is right from this experience--- that once you believe in yourself and in your own personal dream, everything is going to be okay, and it will really happen. Even if it will take months, even years to make it happen. 


Just lift up everything to God and know within your heart,

that it will come true.


That's what happened to me. I believed in my dream and I made it all happen, because at the end of the day, the people who didn't believe in me-- didn't matter. All I know is that, I didn't want to wake up one day, feeling sorry for the things that I didn't even try to do, just because someone told me I can't. And it it was in fact not going to happen as I hoped it would be, at least I tried, rather than feeling sorry that I didn't. 

I had a dream of living in Brazil. I believed on that dream. And I made it happen, despite the fears and the obstacles I faced of getting here. 

 
SAM_1135.JPG
 

What ways can you love yourself? Share your thoughts?